First of all: This post is about a ridiculous dating show of dubious morals involving falling in love in 8 weeks and getting married. BUT IT HAS BECOME ASSOCIATED WITH MY WEEKLY GIRL NIGHT. I signed up the last guy who mocked me for watching the show to be the the next bachelor. His application opened with the lines “I know this is crazy, but watching this show has made me believe in love. That’s saying a lot for a Kentucky Wildcat like me.” This could happen to you.
What started as a half-hearted weekly viewing of the last season of the The Bachelor (we typically ended up throwing things at the TV in frustration at Ben at least 30 times an episode), has turned into the single full girl mode night of the week. Friends living in St. Louis and Maine text in their horrified or thrilled reactions to Emily Maynard’s quest for love.
Girls start drifting in from summer jobs and days at the pool or summer school around 8 pm. I have just spent the last hour with 80 children screaming, splashing me, and asking me if cows can swim, if I’m allowed to stay up past 10 etc. I change out of my wet clothes, curl up on the couch and descend into the sort of mindless therapy that is probably provided by video games for some people. Batches of cookies appear. Bags of chips softly pop open. Wine flutes filled with pink lemonaide come out of nowhere. Feet are curled up under rears. Pillows are hugged. Emily’s signature silhouette appears on the screen. Bachelorette Night has begun.
The concept of watching someone else’s serial dating on camera is really pretty horrible. The basic concept seems to be: “Go on unbelievable dates in stunning foreign destinations with guys we selected based on their six-packs and fondness for delivering the line ‘I am ready to find love.’ Oh, but watch out! We stuck a few crazies in there for fun.” So really, it’s a game of find the crazies. The trouble is, a girl could probably fall in love with virtually anyone who took her to London on her first date. Croatian highlands for a second date? Yeah, I’ll marry you. This is my sole explanation for why seemingly logical people keep bizzarr0 suitors on the show for weeks on end. This is also why I have no business ever being on a dating show.
Last night’s episode was especially tame, but still allowed for some pillow-throwing/agonizing moments.The remaining contenders…
I’m pretty sure this guy is going to win. If Emily made it clearer that she liked him, the show would have to change its rating. He’s from the Netherlands, which is oddly appealing. He is also a racecar driver. Last night there was drama about him dating one of the producers for a month a decade ago. That really got Emily upset. Then she decided she would rather kiss him than talk about it, and things seemed to go better. And there were fireworks. I died a little inside. Fireworks are my favorite. My main concerns with this guy?1. If anything ever happened to his mouth, I’m not sure where their relationship would be. 2. His motto is “Drive fast, take chances.” Attractive? Yes. Attractive in the man you want driving your minivan? No.
This guy is my favorite. You should take this with a grain of salt. His date with her was in London (I already confessed my chronic weakness for this city), and she wore adorable trench coats that made me salivate the whole time. He got through college on a football scholarship. In Croatia, he threw a felled tree so far that it broke in half. This week, he made headlines by running after Emily down an alley way and taking her out on an impromptu date. Though we will never know exactly how scripted this particular episode was, I found it endearing. Yes, football man, run through Prague after me. Others in our group found it creepy. Hey, Emily liked it too, girls. Primary concerns? 1. He didn’t seem to know what Big Ben was. 2. Sneak peaks from next week seem to suggest that he still lives at home. Deal breaker? No. Deal breaker to live with his parents when you want him to be your kid’s parent? Probably.
He’s probably the nicest guy. I mean, on their date this episode, the primary activity involved going into a little marionette shop, buying marionettes, and acting out their relationship. Totes Presh. He’s a pretty good puppeteer, too. Did I mention he also went back into the puppet shop and bought a little princess one for Emily’s daughter, Ricky? BROWNIE POINTS! Like so many that it’s more like a brownie fudge cake. The majority of the date took place in a library that made my heart stop a little. Add that to the list of dates that make me irrationally predisposed to like someone. This is getting embarrassing. He seems to be the only one who consistently references her daughter, which is pretty important. He also seems to be the most eager passenger on her “have children yesterday” bandwagon. A big discussion point in our viewing party was his sketchy reference to his parents “having something somewhere else they need to take care of,” which suggested that they are either in the mafia or that he is a bit hesitant to talk about his family. Our Bachelorette Night Researcher (This is a real and time-consuming position. Questions about Emily’s plastic surgeries, etc. must be researched) reported that they are not, in fact, in the mafia. I’m a little bummed. Primary concerns: 1. His hair. 2. He’s competing against a Dutch racecar driver and a man who throws trees.
My mother always tried to teach me that if I didn’t have anything nice to say, be quiet. Suffice it to say, if I were the Bachelorette (which, I think this post has made clear would be a very bad situation), I would have chosen one of the two guys eliminated last night–Doug or Wolf–over Chris. Just because I can’t totally contain myself, however, I will include a quote from his bio: ”I like a girl that plays hard to get. It’s like a competition.”
Now that my thoroughly insightful episode summary has ended, you probably feel a little bit sad inside, just like we do every Monday night when the preview of next week’s episode has sadly given way for a usually-disturbing ABC show that would give me nightmares. But don’t worry! Next week there is always another episode. Until the season ends, that is.
Then it’s time for you to think about your own life. And how glad you are you aren’t on a dating show. And how your love story is or is going to be a lot cooler than anything you just saw, because it is or will be yours. Even if it doesn’t involve London. Or libraries. Or a guy who breaks trees in half.