When the Olympic Opening Ceremonies crashed during my viewing party, I threw a fit. I looked like Michael Phelps when he failed to medal in the 400 I.M. Except I had a shirt on.
I love the Olympics. Maybe it’s because my family never watched much TV growing up. Unless it was Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman or Prince Valiant it probably wasn’t on. Then there would be the Olympics. We have Olympic viewing parties…plan our schedules around Olympic events…
However, some things crop up every year that are just odd about my beloved event. I really want to know that someone else has noticed…
Ok. I know people really pick on commentators. And I probably shouldn’t because I’m a journalism student. But really? These guys stand practically on top of each other. Their faces are so close together, then one of them will lick his lips. It makes me feel intrusive. Is Rowdy Gaines gay? It’s a major internet hit, but I think not. Just so you know, his real name is Ambrose. That’s pretty cool.
- 2. Male gymnasts sometimes look like they are wearing onesies.
This is not intended to insult these guys at all. They are so freakishly ripped that I am sometimes concerned that their veins will extrude through their skin. So why would you dress them in Jasmine pants with little booties? This seems unfair.
- 3. Beach volleyball players have to be so uncomfortable.
Have you ever been to the beach? Have you ever gotten sand in your suit? Then you know what I’m talking about. Now imagine doing that on national television when you are one of four people in a packed arena wearing a swim suit. Awkward.
- 4. I have aged more than Bob Costas in the past four years.
Bob Costas (I call him Tuck Everlasting) is pretty incredible. He came to my school once and gave a presentation to the journalism students. One of the major, well thought out academic questions he was asked was “How old are you?” The answer is shocking. DO YOU REALIZE THIS MAN IS 60 YEARS OLD? Kudos, Mr. Costas.
- 5. Female gymnasts obsessively hug each other.
I know you have to have noticed this. It must be exhausting! They hug more than my Italian family saying goodbye. Or maybe it’s a wash…16 cousins+8 aunts and uncles +1 patriarch x 1 hug= 25 hugs. Five gymnasts+4 or 5 coaches and miscellaneous people we can’t identify+a few competitors from other countries pretending they are happy for you x 4 events=40+ hugs. Yup. Gymnasts win.
- 6. Female gymnasts have awesome eye makeup.
Have you seen all of that glitter? So cool. Maybe its just because they usually come on after the poor swimming girls who are forced to mount the podium after swimming in the pool, usually with goggle circles still imprinted on their eyes, soaking hair, and a cap line. Maybe it’s just that their hair is so slicked back that it emphasizes their faces. Either way, it’s pretty razmataz.
- 7. Water polo guys look like Rambo in a Speedo.
They are huge. They have beards. They almost all weigh over 200 pounds. One of their positions is called “attacker.” And yet, they wear tiny little Speedos and caps that look
suspiciously like bonnets designed for Princess Leia’s hair. Is anyone else confused?
- 8. Divers get a hot tub.
I’m not saying they don’t deserve it. But they climb those diving board stairs…they do a dive…they swim a few feet to the wall…then they seem to have a marvelous time in the bubbling league of nations.
- 9. The pommel horse flirts with disaster.
Really all gymnastic events do. But consistently straddling a large padded log with handles? I realize I’m not a guy, but that wouldn’t be fun for anyone.
- 10. There are people on bikes following the rowing team on shore.
Who are they? I must know.
It’s only the third day of the games. You should hear the questions I have about Trampoline Gymnastics and Judo. Those can wait. I have to go watch the 16th video documentary on Ryan Lochte NBC has broadcasted today.